A letter to my Ma in heaven

Ma,
First off, I just want to tell you how much I miss you and how hard it’s been every single day here without you since you left me last Saturday, the 28th. Of November 2020.
I miss you so much it hurts. I miss the phone calls every single day between 11:30 and 12 noon and every single weekend chat with my family, I won’t see your face and hear your voice any more throughout the rest of my life.

Can you please give me a missed call as you used to do ? JUST ONCE , PLEASE MA !!

Since you were admitted in the hospital on the 10th. Of November 2020 , I never felt for once that you won’t be coming back home. Even during the phone calls while you were admitted, I remember you saying that you wanted to go home and even asked me where was the house keys, in case you have to go home. I assured you that the house keys are in safe hands and the doctors, nurses and everyone in the department are taking care of you .

Ma, I wanted you to come out of the 24 hrs. oxygen support before taking you home . But it never happened. You told me even that you didn’t have Covid and the test was also came negative. But why couldn’t you stay a bit longer, ma, you could have felt better and I would have organized to take you back home ?

Instead, you left me and went to meet my father in heaven.
I still tell everyone that your brain was very active and sharp even when you were admitted in the hospital. You used to remember everyone’s birthday, marriage anniversaries, without keeping a note of it in any diary, The most important thing was that you could remember almost everyone’s phone numbers (the last three digits of the phone numbers ) of the carers, plumber, milkman, electrician, handy man because you didn’t know how to save a number in your old buttoned phone , which I can’t even imagine how you did. Hats off to you , ma.
Most of the time I feel like this is all just a bad nightmare that I can’t wake up from and that when I do wake up, you’ll be there telling me how ridiculous this all sounds.
I keep thinking that you’re on a long vacation somewhere and you’ll be home any day now.
I still look for you. I still pick up the phone to call you. I still wake up, thinking you’re here.
Days are hard, evenings are harder and nights are the hardest.
Why did you have to go mom? Why did you have to leave me? Why did God choose you to take?
I feel like I’ve be robbed in life, if that makes sense. Robbed of all the things that you should be here for, of all the things I still need you for.
I still need your support, your encouraging words, telling me everything is going to work out and be okay. I need your guidance.
Even though I know I’ll see you again someday, that doesn’t ease the pain I feel daily. It doesn’t stop the tears from falling or the small piece of my heart that I have left from hurting.
You took ALL of me with you when you left. The moment you stopped breathing, I lost myself.
I’m not the same person I used to be before your death. I’m trying my best to find myself again but it’s so hard to do this without you.
I hope that I can make you proud. I hope that you’re always with me and always watching over me. I also hope that Babai (Rajit) and Rakhi and all the family will make you feel proud.
I hope that Heaven is beautiful; that it’s everything you ever imagined it would be. I hope that you’re with my father again.
I’m going to miss you every single day for the rest of my life.
I’ll love you for always and I’ll miss you forever.
I’ll be seeing you.

Waiting for your missed call again. Just once Ma…
Love, your only child……..Bapi